A Year, Two Worlds: Living as a Grieving Widow
Navigating Widowhood Survival: A Haven for All, Yet a Destination Few Embrace
It's been a year since he left, yet the void remains. His departure left you with many lingering dreams unfulfilled. If given a choice, he would have stayed. Yet, it wasn't a choice he could make.
In this past year, you've found yourself existing within two distinct realms.
In one world, you're navigating life as a half-couple. You're meeting people unfamiliar with him, building relationships with those who never knew the old you. You find solace in those traveling a similar path, sharing a bond of common grief. You perfect the art of masking your emotions, displaying a façade of normalcy even when you yearn to break down. The end of your workday is met with solitude. There's no one at home to greet you with a cheery "I'm home!" text. You learn to cook for one, to enjoy meals in silence.
In the other world, you're consumed by memories of the past. The coastal drive triggers images of both of you enjoying a day by the sea. Peeling an orange elicits memories of his hand reaching out for a slice. Opening the bathroom door in the morning reveals his toothbrush by the sink. You greet the morning only to find his pillow cold next to yours. In this realm, the present fades away, replaced by visions of what once was. The only time you're jolted back to reality is when you catch a reflection of yourself in the mirror—a stranger, wrestling with sadness in her eyes. You wonder if he'd recognize the new you if he saw you today.
You inhabit both realities simultaneously.
You understand that your grief will never truly depart, yet you're determined to adapt and learn to live with this forever companion. Although it ebbs and flows, it persists. Sometimes, it sweeps over you like a tsunami, leaving you breathless; at other times, it presents as a gentle ripple, lapping gently against you as you go about your day. Eventually, like all waves, it subsides.
You remind yourself that your grief is a testament to the profound love you shared. You reflect on the woman you became for your children because of the life you built together. Your grief becomes a beacon, illuminating the depth of your love. Somehow, you've discovered the coexistence of grief and joy within you. You are now a widow.
The Bitter-Sweet Fairy Tale
If you had a traditional wedding, it likely took place among family and friends, and, at some point, you exchanged vows to travel this journey hand in hand 'til death do you part.' You shed tears of joy as you spoke them, dreaming of a life together, growing old gracefully, enjoying the fairy tale ending you imagined since childhood.
Deeper scrutiny reveals the underlying truth: two lives become intertwined, and eventually, one departs, leaving the other behind. If you find yourself in that role, welcome. You've joined the neighborhood you never wanted to visit: widowhood. Widowhood brings a unique form of grief, affecting you emotionally, financially, physically, and daily. It may not be worse than other types of grief, but it is undeniably different. So many books have been written about it, making it the most widely explored subject in grief literature. Welcome to the neighborhood.
Not Alone in Your Grief
As the weeks turn into months, you find the world moving on while your own world comes to a standstill. Friends and family resume their lives, leaving you alone with your grief. Simple acts like breathing, which once came effortlessly, now require constant reminder. Once you've mastered breath control, you're left wondering, "Now what?" You're plagued with questions. Should I stay here or move on? Did I sleep last night? What's happening to me? I'm losing my mind, aren't I? Will I ever sleep in our bed again? Who will love and care for me like he did? You find yourself screaming at the top of your lungs, "Come back!"
Though it may seem like you're alone, you're not. Thousands of people lost their spouses the same day you did. They're grappling with the same questions, experiencing the same emotions, yearning for the same love. They're all at various stages of grief, learning to navigate this new world and sharing their wisdom. More people will join their ranks tomorrow. You are not alone.
Sure, you may find yourself living alone in your home, but that doesn't mean you have to live in isolation. You don't have to figure it all out on your own. Grief counseling and support groups are available to help you cope. Books have been written on the topic, and movies and television shows tackle the subject of grief as well. The choice is yours—which path suits you best?
- In-person meetings, such as GriefShare, a faith-based support group, may provide comfort. They offer meetings in many cities and online, catering to various types of grief. On Meetup, you may find widow support groups in your area.
- If you prefer the anonymity of online communities, Facebook hosts several groups dedicated to widows. You can find groups local to your zip code and ones with members from all over the world.
- If reading isn't your preference, there are movies and TV shows focusing on widows that may resonate with your experiences. Some offer humor, while others provide a serious exploration of grief.
- Many books and resources are available to aid you in your journey. A selection of them is listed below.
Remember, it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to grieve, to cry, to scream. You'll find others who've walked this path before you, ready to offer a guiding hand. Together, you'll continue to learn, to heal, and to persevere.
Books:
- Option B by Sheryl Sandberg
- The Hot Young Widows Club by Nora McInerny
- It's Okay to Laugh by Nora McInerny
- I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can by Nora McInerny
- A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman
- A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
Television Shows and Movies:
- Afterlife (Netflix)
- Shrinking (Apple TV+)
- A Man Called Otto (various platforms)
- In the realm of self-improvement and lifestyle, one might find solace in books that delve into health-and-wellness, mental-health, and healing processes, such as Sheryl Sandberg's Option B, Nora McInerny's The Hot Young Widows Club, I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can, and It's Okay to Laugh.
- To gain insight into family-dynamics and how they can be affected by grief and loss, one might consider films like A Man Called Ove or the television series Afterlife, both of which offer a nuanced exploration into these aspects.
- As one navigates the complexities of widowhood, considering events specifically tailored to relationship building and mental health, such as grief counseling support groups like GriefShare, can provide a valuable sense of connection and support.
- In the ever-connected digital world, widows can find solace and understanding in online communities and forums, where they can share experiences, ask questions, and build relationships with others who are also grieving, often finding a source of support and comfort in these online spaces.
