Committed to abstinence for a period of one year, this individual reclaimed autonomy over their personal life.
In the Heart of the Drought
The Temperate Wasteland
By Melissa FebosKnopf: 288 pages, $29If you buy books linked on our site, The Times may earn a commission from Bookshop.org , whose fees support independent bookstores.
After bouncing from one affair to the next, Melissa Febos found herself in bed with a stranger she hardly knew. "Despite my stubborn efforts to prove otherwise, for me, sex without chemistry or love was a nightmare," Febos writes in her latest book, "The Temperate Wasteland." "A few weeks after, I opted for three months of celibacy."
On an extraordinary sunny day in Seattle, I sat down with Febos to discuss the surprising sensuality she discovered during those three months that quickly turned into an entire year of abstinence. "I had treated this time as a barren season, but it had been the most fruitful of my life since childhood," Febos pens. "I had drained myself dry when I keened after lovers. In celibacy, I felt more lush, fertile, wet, than I had in years."
Giving up intimate relations might seem counterintuitive to the idea of passion, but those familiar with the constraints of monogamy and motherhood could grasp the erotic potential of solitude. "A friend of mine took a trip without her child and said that the time she spent waiting in line to board was on the verge of erotic, because it was a quiet time and space that she hadn't experienced in years," Febos said.
At 44, Febos has already carved a name for herself as a productive and critically acclaimed writer of memoirs and creative nonfiction. "The Temperate Wasteland" is her fifth book. Her first, "Whip Smart," recounts her time as a professional dominatrix. "Abandon Me" speaks of losing herself in a toxic relationship, wrestling with addiction, and discovering her biological father, and "Girlhood" is a collection of essays about being in a body that no longer fits her. Her most recent, "Body Work," is a craft book on embodied writing.
The physical body is obviously central to her writing - how it influences our work, our personal relationships, and most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. In a 2022 essay for the New York Times Magazine, Febos described her decision to undergo a breast reduction as a means to reclaim herself. In a world where bodily autonomy is under attack, Febos' work is not only provocative but essential.
In the flesh, it's hard to imagine Febos as anything but firmly in command. She is warm, compassionate, and laughs easily. She takes pride in the work she's done to recover from addiction. Much of "The Temperate Wasteland" draws inspiration from programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous, where the desire for a substance is, in reality, a longing to draw closer to a higher power.
It's not surprising then that Febos found that nuns were among the first women to discover their freedom in celibacy. She was particularly drawn to one medieval order called the Beguines, who "took no vows, did not relinquish their property, and could leave the order anytime. They traveled, preached, and lived more independently than most women in the western world." But it wasn't necessarily that they renounced sex, as Febos writes, but rather a life that centered on men. "The Beguines didn't quit sex, and it's likely many didn't give up sex entirely. They quit lives that made men central."
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When Febos initiated a friend that she was going to take a break from sex, she rolled her eyes. It's believed that sex and love addicts are usually straight people - heterosexual men are believed to be sex addicts while heterosexual women are love addicts. "There was a part of me that hoped I might be SLA [sex and love addict]," Febos said. "As societal norms dictate, it's assumed that heterosexual relationships are the goal. Febos works to dismantle those heteronormative assumptions in this book, quoting writer Sara Ahmed: "When you leave heterosexuality, you still live in a heterosexual world." Later in the book, she discusses the uniquely queer and effective partnership of Leonard and Virginia Woolf. "I didn't want to merely relocate within compulsory heterosexual gender roles," she writes. "I wanted to divorce from them."
Febos referred to her decision to refrain from intimate relations playfully, "I thank God every day that I am not straight. But, we're still socialized to behave a certain way. We all live under patriarchy. But, I never had fantasies of marriage or being a wife." Febos' relationship with Ray, a younger queer woman, serves in "The Temperate Wasteland" not just as a friend but as a mirror, reflecting the complexities of desire and reconfiguring them. Febos, who has taught creative writing at the University of Iowa for five years, doesn't always relate to her students in a romantic way. "Teaching helps me to be a better writer," she said. "But it's partly about the seduction, about being able to capture someone's attention to inspire them or help them see something they haven't recognized before."
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For Febos, the choice to take a step back from intimate relations is similar to the experience of understanding a text. "There is a difference between how you react to a text and how you analyze a text," she writes. "You can be drawn to or repulsed by the content and still think critically about the response, about your relationship to the text. To truly understand your desire, you have to step back from it." In other words, to truly comprehend your yearnings, you must spend some time apart from them.
"The Temperate Wasteland" is no marriage plot. Even though Febos' partner, poet Donika Kelly, who she met after her period of abstinence ended, appears briefly at the end of the book, Febos resisted having her there. "That was not the point," she said with a laugh. "to say, 'Look, it all turned out great in the end!'" I told Febos that many women had confided in me that they felt obligated to participate in sex in their marriages with men. "That's really the point of this book," she responded. "Why are you having sex if you don't want to be having sex? This honesty not only benefits you but it also benefits your partner. To me, that's love: enthusiastic consent."
Febos has reached a point in her career where she exercises control. She told her agent that she would write a succinct proposal for this book and nothing more, and it sold quickly. This is a freedom many writers will never achieve. Perhaps it's because Febos spends not only time on her craft but also on herself. "My subject is myself, so this kind of work, in my relationships and with myself, is relevant to my writing," she said. Her inner work has been a wise investment, leading Febos to feel more freedom in her authorial vision, perhaps even moving toward fiction. "Writing is a process of integration for me," she said. "I am so comforted by all of life's surprises."
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- In 'The Temperate Wasteland', author Melissa Febos shares her unexpected discovery of sensuality during a year of celibacy, likening the peaceful quietude of waiting in line to an erotic experience.
- Febos' exploration of solitude and its erotic potential resonates with those familiar with the constraints of monogamy and motherhood.
- Febos, a prolific writer of memoirs and creative nonfiction, has made a name for herself with her thoughtful examination of the physical body and its influence on our work, personal relationships, and self-image.
- In a 2022 essay for the New York Times Magazine, Febos describes her decision to undergo a breast reduction as a means of reclaiming her body and asserting her bodily autonomy.
- Febos was particularly drawn to the Beguines, a medieval order of women who traveled, preached, and lived independently, centering their lives on themselves rather than men.
- Miranda July, in her new novel 'All Fours', explores the lives of women in a creative, life-affirming way, challenging heteronormative assumptions about relationships and desire.
- Kathleen Hanna's memoir 'Rebel Girl' offers a vivid exploration of feminist politics, art, and the personal journey of a woman who overcame abuse and sexual assault, serving as an essential read for those seeking inspiration and empowerment.
